Monday, October 23, 2006
posted at 10:30 AM
i have been moody these few days.
yes, its the side effects from getting back your terrible results.
i felt really sad and all today in church.
i dont know why.
i just cant seem to concentrate in everything i did.
i couldnt give my 100% during prayer meeting like always, i was like in my own world during sunday school and i was stoning during service.
i guess i just have lots to worry.
i dont even know what caused me to be like that.
i was really thinking about alot of stuff.
but at the wrong time that is.
sighx, hope the stayover would be fun though.
i think i should go see doctor tmr to get my medication for my back again..
or maybe wednesday..
i dont know.
i am feeling confused, worried, emo, depressing over everything.
i was in service today and in the mids of my stoning and thinking, i heard the speaker asking a question, 'are you happy? rate your happiness from 1 - 10(1-least, 10-most)
it was only then i asked myself honestly, am i happy? is the doreen living in me happy?
no, i doubt i ever was.
really, the more happy i appear, the most terrible i feel inside.
thats why i always go crazy over boybands, to make myself feel a tinge of happiness at the moment of my life.
bring a little true smile to my sad life.
i rate myself as
3then the speaker asked us, 'those who rate yourself below 4 pls raise up your hand'.
what a question to ask.
i didnt raise up, i didnt want to get attention.
i dont want everyone to ask me why 3.
i didnt want to do an explanation in front of people i dont open up to.
i will just end up crying again and run out of the worship hall.
i dont want people to see me weak.
so, i choose to keep my hand beside me.
the saddest people around are those who smile the most.
irony, yet true.
at least for me.
maybe its just another dissappointment faced by doreen.
its just another time that doreen will resent her life and herself.
this cannot be helped.
i am an introvert.
i dont like talking about myself.
being perfect is really something really difficult for everyone to achieve.
but to me, being normal is already something so far away for me.
something that does not belong to me anymore.
someone who is allege to seafood, who have skin problem, who is unable to even run, who cannot even look at the celling of her room when she is sitting or standing up, who hate herself.
i am not normal.
thats how the word special come about.
i agree that living everyday differently is a good thing, not having routine life is a good thing.
but living a life that allows you to meet so many problem everyday is not exactly good.
i have a head bigger than normal people and i hate that, thats why i am never in a hairband..
apparently my head doesnt feel comfortable with it.
after giving up the thought of taking too much care of my weight, i notice that my height is totally abnormal.
everyone is like teasing you about your height and its so irritating.
how they start comparing to people younger than you who are already pass your height...
PLS DONT DO THAT TALLies.its annoying.
but fine, i accept my height finally a few days ago that being short is actual better off being too tall.
why on earth do girl's need to be tall?
thats what the heels are for right..
moreover, guys will feel inferior if their girl is too tall.
realising that i am such a sad person compared to everyone else, i am officially a abnormal person.
to think of it now, the turning point of my life was in pri 6.
it was that year that i started to laugh alot, joke around alot and open up to people around me, started to make lots of friends.
i guess thats was also when i started to put on my mask.
maybe at that moment of time, i needed friends, so the mask appears.
the mask continues to be there until now.
its just that, i am more obvious to when i wear that mask.
in front of everyone else i wear that mask.
only my bed and HE sees everything.
dont laugh at people who plays with soft toys or keep a couple on their beds.
they feel insecure, thats why its there.
i used to have 20 when i was like 5.
then 10 when i was 6-7.
i just loved soft toys then.
apparently i talk to them before i sleep.
after that, it decreased to 5, then 3.
pooh, tweety and torto will be there with me.
for these 3 years.
until my cousin started taking them away from my bed and made them really dirty.
no toys now, its my phone.
i acutally need to listen to a 'bedtime' song before i sleep.
i needed to talk to people who i will never meet before bed.
A picture that gets smeared in white And my fragrance that seems to have faded away All get concealed by the glaring cloud
My heart that has no words Slowly starts to move my feelings Those times that slipped through Are in my hands
I'm holding back the tears I walk trying to lessen the weight of my heart To a place that is neither close nor far Where a different me stands I will not cry
I bring my two hands together again To a place that will hear it As I live though these unmemorable times
The pain that I want to let go Dries the tears that flows through my body
I'm living with my tears I walk trying to lessen the weight of my heart To a place that is neither close nor far Where a different me stands I will not cry I'm holding back the tears I run adding to the weight of my faith To a place that is neither high nor low Where a different me stands again With a small smile I can laugh i guess everyone just have a different sad story in their life.
just that, i am not the type who will talk it out but type it out.
yeah.
doreen's story, my blog.
im sorry father.
i have drifting too fast, too far for too long away from you the minute i thought that i was close to you.
everything is happening too fast.
i really hope that i can hide things away from your knowing.
i dont wanna you see me like that.
so that i can turn to you with a smile once i settle down my emotions.
sorry.
For now, my destiny is sad
